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Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 9 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories without a category of their own.
This is page 9 of 23. Showing jokes 97 to 108
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late; the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: 'Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?'
He arrived a half-hour late; the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: 'Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?'
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
'Hello?'
'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
'Yes.'
'Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'
'What's the price?'
'Only $1,500.00.'
'Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... '
'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year'
'What price did he quote you?'
'Only $60,000'
'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'
'Great! But before we hang up, something else
'What?'
'It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account, and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.'
'How much are they asking?'
'Only $650,000 - a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover
'Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?'
'OK, sweetie, Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'
'Bye, I do too'
The man hangs up, raises his hand, and asks all those present,
'Okay ... who's phone is this?'
'Hello?'
'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
'Yes.'
'Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'
'What's the price?'
'Only $1,500.00.'
'Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... '
'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year'
'What price did he quote you?'
'Only $60,000'
'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'
'Great! But before we hang up, something else
'What?'
'It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account, and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.'
'How much are they asking?'
'Only $650,000 - a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover
'Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?'
'OK, sweetie, Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'
'Bye, I do too'
The man hangs up, raises his hand, and asks all those present,
'Okay ... who's phone is this?'
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear and shot at it, but he only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him; he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, 'You skin this one while I go and get another one!'
He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, 'You skin this one while I go and get another one!'
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
How do we know that Rome was built at night?
Because all the books say it wasn't built in a day!
Because all the books say it wasn't built in a day!
Dad, there's someone at the door collecting for the old folks home. Shall I give him grandma?
'Hi Bob, Where have you been?'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'
All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving. They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance to see what the future holds. The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above.
Suddenly, he gives out a scream and falls to the ground. What did you see, asked the Chief?
I had a vision, a hazy vision, replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills, I saw a huge Bacon Tree that was big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that, says the Chief? If we leave the Reservation, the Soldiers will follow and punish us. If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late, replied the Witch Doctor. OK, agrees the Chief, and that night, they sneaked out of camp.
They walked over hill upon hill; food and water were gone, and many died on this venture. Finally, the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree? He asks. The reply is just over one more hill. At last, they climb the last hill and start going down the other side. Suddenly, there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down, killing most of the Indians.
As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps, 'What happened to your Bacon Tree' to which the Witch Doctor replies, 'I was wrong it was a HAM BUSH.'
Suddenly, he gives out a scream and falls to the ground. What did you see, asked the Chief?
I had a vision, a hazy vision, replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills, I saw a huge Bacon Tree that was big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that, says the Chief? If we leave the Reservation, the Soldiers will follow and punish us. If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late, replied the Witch Doctor. OK, agrees the Chief, and that night, they sneaked out of camp.
They walked over hill upon hill; food and water were gone, and many died on this venture. Finally, the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree? He asks. The reply is just over one more hill. At last, they climb the last hill and start going down the other side. Suddenly, there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down, killing most of the Indians.
As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps, 'What happened to your Bacon Tree' to which the Witch Doctor replies, 'I was wrong it was a HAM BUSH.'
An alien came to earth, stepped down from his space ship and said: 'I come in peace'. Then he gets out his gun and starts shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: ' I thought he said he comes in peace!'. The alien says: 'You misunderstood me; peace is the name of my spaceship.'
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, 'God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.'
'Oh, is that so? Tell Me...' replies God.
'Well,' says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's very interesting...show Me.' So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
'No, no, no...' interrupts God, 'Get your own dirt.'
'Oh, is that so? Tell Me...' replies God.
'Well,' says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's very interesting...show Me.' So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
'No, no, no...' interrupts God, 'Get your own dirt.'
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can; if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks. After you have mastered the 10lb sacks, move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes to each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.
Begin by standing outside behind the house with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can; if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks. After you have mastered the 10lb sacks, move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes to each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.