Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 13

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

You know its a "no frills" airline when...
... All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
... Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
... You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
... Before take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
... The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
... The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
... You ask the Captain how often their planes crash. He says, "Just once."
... No movie. Didn't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
... You see a man with a gun and he's demanding to be let off the plane.

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

How can you tell when it's going to be a bad day?
* You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
* Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is Frank.
* You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
* You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
* Your tax refund cheque bounces.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire. He began shouting, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic. The pilot suddenly appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't worry, folks," he yelled cheerfully. "I'm going for help."

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

An hillbilly boy and his Father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God! This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion, "I'm saying grace ..."