What's got ten legs, bulging eyes, and is green and slimy?
I don't know.
Neither do I - but there's one crawling up your leg now!
Which hand do you stir your coffee with?
Neither, I use a spoon.
Your mum is so poor she followed a bin van with a shopping trolley.
What do you use when a tree gets a puncture?
A lumberjack.
What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?
It wasn't my fault.
What do convicts use to call each other?
cell phones.
Fred: Can you lend me a dollar, please?
Joe: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
Fred: Why not?
Joe: Because I don't believe in passing the buck.
Where does the gardener like to play snooker?
In the potting shed.
The future isn't what it used to be.
Why be difficult when, with a little bit more effort, you can be completely impossible?
This is a day for final decisions!
Or is it?
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.