Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 1

What does Luke Skywalker use when he wants a shave?
A laser blade.

What go up when the rain comes down?
Umbrellas.

I want to buy a truckload of goose feathers, but I can't afford the down payment.

If yesterday was today - today would be yesterday.

I don't think crazy paving is all that its cracked up to be.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

The pilot of a small private plane ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
"Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport just over there."

My great uncle Morris died of deafness. He was so deaf he didn't hear the roadroller coming.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

I never get lost - everyone tells me where to go.