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Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 3 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories without a category of their own.
This is page 3 of 23. Showing jokes 25 to 36
There was my uncle threshing around in the sea, drowning, and this woman went by. My uncle shouted to her. 'I can't swim, I can't swim.'
She said, 'So what? I can't play the violin, but I don't go shouting about it.'
She said, 'So what? I can't play the violin, but I don't go shouting about it.'
This man said, 'Dear lady, you have the face of a saint.'
She said, 'Really? Which saint did you have in mind?'
He said, 'A St Bernard.'
She said, 'Really? Which saint did you have in mind?'
He said, 'A St Bernard.'
My mum said to me, 'Your uncle's a miser, you know. In all that cold weather last week, he just sat huddled over a candle.'
I said, 'Blimey mum, they say it's going to be even colder this week.'
She said, 'Yes, well you never know. This week, he may light it.'
I said, 'Blimey mum, they say it's going to be even colder this week.'
She said, 'Yes, well you never know. This week, he may light it.'
The sheriff said to the hangman, 'Hangman, suppose you've got a prisoner to hang, and you've gotta be sure he's dead. How high have you gotta hang him?'
The hangman said, 'Two feet off the ground.'
The hangman said, 'Two feet off the ground.'
These two explorers were lost in the desert. One of them went on ahead. When he came back, he said, 'There's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're going to have to eat sand.'
His friend said, 'Blimey, what's the good news?'
The first one said, 'There's plenty of it.'
His friend said, 'Blimey, what's the good news?'
The first one said, 'There's plenty of it.'
My great uncle Morris died of deafness. He was so deaf he didn't hear the roadroller coming.
My mum said to my sister, 'I had this awful nightmare. There was your teacher being devoured by this foul-looking monster.'
My sister said, 'Go on, what happened.'
My mum said, 'Well, I can't get it out of my head, really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes....
My sister said, 'Yes' but what did the monster look like?'
My sister said, 'Go on, what happened.'
My mum said, 'Well, I can't get it out of my head, really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes....
My sister said, 'Yes' but what did the monster look like?'
My dad said, 'They're looking for someone to clean the stained glass windows in the lighthouse.'
I said, 'Since when did they have stained glass windows in the lighthouse?'
He said, 'Ever since there have been seagulls.
I said, 'Since when did they have stained glass windows in the lighthouse?'
He said, 'Ever since there have been seagulls.
On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
The outside.
The outside.
Mack: My uncle plays piano by ear.
Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers!
Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers!
Jess: I haven't slept for days, and I'm still not tired!
Wess: That's incredible! How do you do it?
Jess: I sleep nights!
Wess: That's incredible! How do you do it?
Jess: I sleep nights!
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her, 'Do you know anything about parachutes?'
'No,' she says, 'Do you know anything about gas stoves?'
'No,' she says, 'Do you know anything about gas stoves?'