Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 8

Mary had potatoes, wine, salad, and a little lamb.

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it.

I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.

Join the Hernia Society. It needs your support.

My brother is so stupid he thinks that aroma is someone who travels a lot.

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..."

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not," he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What on earth are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
The wife says, "Not so, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."