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Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 8 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories without a category of their own.
This is page 8 of 22. Showing jokes 85 to 96
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. - J.T. Kirk
When I was young, I had a lot of spots and pimples. One day, I fell asleep in a library. I woke up, and a blind man was reading my face.
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: 'I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!'
'No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.'
'I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?' the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
'Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?' the old man plaintively queries.
'I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral.'
'No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.'
'I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?' the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
'Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?' the old man plaintively queries.
'I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral.'
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First, the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night, the physicist smells smoke, too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, 'Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water.' So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem has been reduced to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.
First, the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night, the physicist smells smoke, too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, 'Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water.' So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem has been reduced to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.
'I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had.'
'What kind is it?'
'Oh, about 9:30.......'
'What kind is it?'
'Oh, about 9:30.......'
A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, 'Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?'
'No thanks,' replied the customer. I'll carry it home under my arm!'
'No thanks,' replied the customer. I'll carry it home under my arm!'
What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom?
Hey, I'm a fun guy!
Hey, I'm a fun guy!
I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job.
Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke?
Forget it, it's too crummy.
Forget it, it's too crummy.
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called, and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital, where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally, the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.
'Tell me, Doc, how is he?'
The doctor replied, 'I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
'Tell me, Doc, how is he?'
The doctor replied, 'I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.