Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 11

A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?"
"No thanks," replied the customer. I'll carry it home under my arm!"

"I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had."
"What kind is it?"
"Oh, about 9:30......."

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

When I was young I had a lot of spots and pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. - J.T. Kirk

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.

Quasimodo - that name rings a bell.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.