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Jokes About Computers - Page 7 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories about computer programmers and users.
This is page 7 of 9. Showing jokes 73 to 84
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical-looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
'The one to the left costs $500,' says the storeowner.
'Why so much?' asks the customer.
'Because it can program in C,' answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that 'That one costs $1500 because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.'
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
'That one costs $3000,' answers the storeowner.
'$3000!' exclaims the man. 'What can that one do?'
To which the owner replies, 'To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.'
'The one to the left costs $500,' says the storeowner.
'Why so much?' asks the customer.
'Because it can program in C,' answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that 'That one costs $1500 because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.'
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
'That one costs $3000,' answers the storeowner.
'$3000!' exclaims the man. 'What can that one do?'
To which the owner replies, 'To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.'
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, 'What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?'
A surprising number of respondents said, 'Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.' At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer 'Downloading XXXScans' by an easy 12 points.
'We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,' explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of 'BSOD Themes,' allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the 'ultimate information portal.' By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. 'This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.'
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, 'What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?'
A surprising number of respondents said, 'Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.' At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer 'Downloading XXXScans' by an easy 12 points.
'We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,' explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of 'BSOD Themes,' allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the 'ultimate information portal.' By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. 'This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.'
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still-running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
Wait 2 minutes
Rinse
Repeat
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still-running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
Wait 2 minutes
Rinse
Repeat
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: 'There are a few issues we need to discuss.'
Contractor: 'Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?'
Bill: 'Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated.'
Contractor: 'Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.'
Bill: 'We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.'
Contractor: 'Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room, or you can use a Stacker.'
Bill: 'Stacker?'
Contractor: 'Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done.'
Bill: 'Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way.'
Contractor: 'Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug-and-play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.'
Bill: 'And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?'
Contractor: 'Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.'
Bill: 'You're kidding!?'
Contractor: 'Nope. It's the only way.'
Bill: ' Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet, and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.'
Contractor: 'That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.'
Bill: 'And how do I fix that?'
Contractor: 'Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.'
Bill: 'That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?'
Contractor: 'Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it.'
Bill: 'And when will this be fixed?'
Contractor: 'Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually, it was due out this year, but we've had some delays...'
Bill: 'There are a few issues we need to discuss.'
Contractor: 'Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?'
Bill: 'Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated.'
Contractor: 'Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.'
Bill: 'We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.'
Contractor: 'Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room, or you can use a Stacker.'
Bill: 'Stacker?'
Contractor: 'Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done.'
Bill: 'Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way.'
Contractor: 'Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug-and-play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.'
Bill: 'And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?'
Contractor: 'Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.'
Bill: 'You're kidding!?'
Contractor: 'Nope. It's the only way.'
Bill: ' Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet, and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.'
Contractor: 'That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.'
Bill: 'And how do I fix that?'
Contractor: 'Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.'
Bill: 'That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?'
Contractor: 'Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it.'
Bill: 'And when will this be fixed?'
Contractor: 'Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually, it was due out this year, but we've had some delays...'
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, and bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, 'It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!'
On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
There is an OLD story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
Software Development Cycle
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program, shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice, actually came to you by way of an elaborate path through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program, shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice, actually came to you by way of an elaborate path through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
During their midday stroll, a software engineer, a hardware engineer, and their program manager happen upon an antique brass lamp. They pick it up and remove the dust. Suddenly, a genie appears.
Thank you for setting me free from my lamp confinement. I have the power to fulfill three of your desires. 'Since there are three of you, I am pleased to grant one wish to each of you.'
The hardware engineer ponders for a moment and then exclaims, 'You know what would be absolutely fantastic? Sailing a yacht across the Pacific, competing in a thrilling race against the wind, and to top it off, having an all-girl crew!'
'It is finished,' declared the Genie, and in an instant, the hardware engineer vanished into thin air.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, 'I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.'
'It is done,' said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, 'I'd like those two back in the office after lunch.'
Thank you for setting me free from my lamp confinement. I have the power to fulfill three of your desires. 'Since there are three of you, I am pleased to grant one wish to each of you.'
The hardware engineer ponders for a moment and then exclaims, 'You know what would be absolutely fantastic? Sailing a yacht across the Pacific, competing in a thrilling race against the wind, and to top it off, having an all-girl crew!'
'It is finished,' declared the Genie, and in an instant, the hardware engineer vanished into thin air.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, 'I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.'
'It is done,' said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, 'I'd like those two back in the office after lunch.'
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.'
'Very well, then,' says God, 'let us see if Jesus fared any better.'
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display; the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, 'B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?'
God smiled all-knowingly, 'Jesus saves.'
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.'
'Very well, then,' says God, 'let us see if Jesus fared any better.'
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display; the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, 'B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?'
God smiled all-knowingly, 'Jesus saves.'
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Susie called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' And he replied, 'It was an 'ID ten T' error.' A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. ' 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?' He gave her a grin. 'Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?' Susie replied, 'No.' 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T
As he was walking away, Susie called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' And he replied, 'It was an 'ID ten T' error.' A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. ' 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?' He gave her a grin. 'Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?' Susie replied, 'No.' 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T
I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh My checker tolled me sew.