A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Was I in here last night?"
"You certainly were," replies the barman.
"And did I spend a lot of money?"
"You spent over 100 Dollars", replies the barman.
"Thank god for that," says the man, "I thought I'd wasted it."
Entering a bar, a polar bear approaches the bartender and says. 'I'll have a Gin and..........................tonic.'
'Why the big pause?' replies the barman. The Polar bear looks down at his hands and says
'What do you mean, I've always had them.'
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, 'Get out. We don't serve your type in here.'
Two television sets walk into a bar, and the barman says, 'Sorry, but we don't serve your kind in this bar'.
One television turns to the other and says, 'I thought that we'd get a better reception than this in here'.
What did the barman say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini?
Olive or twist?
Magicians
He's a magician. He can turn absolutely anything into an argument.
Doors
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima gonna break down this door if you don't open it!
Baseball
Why is a dog just like a baseball player?
He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
Soup
Diner: Waiter, your thumb is in my chicken soup.
Waiter: That's all right, sir, it's not very hot.
Judges
The judge asked the dentist: 'Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?'
Vampires
Did you hear about the vampire who liked ballroom dancing?
He especially liked the vaultz.
Blondes
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
Farmers
Why did the farmer ask the vet to examine his cow?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Ducks
What goes 'kcauq, kcauq'?
A duck flying backward.