Joke Topic - 'Drunks'

"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

"Surely you're not going to drive that car," said the policeman, advancing on the motorist who had just staggered out of a bar.
"Well, offisher, do you think I'm in any condition to walk?"

'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.

A drunk was brought before the court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.

I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and said "for $10 I'll teach you to talk like an Indian! I said "how?" He said, "see, you're learning already".