Bar Jokes - Page 3 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories about bars and bartenders.
This is page 3 of 4. Showing jokes 25 to 36
Since his wife was angry that he spent too much time in the pub, he took her there one night. He asked, "What would you like?" "I don't know," she said. "I guess the same as you," she answered. The husband then ordered two beers. When they came, he drank his down in one go. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. 'Yuck, that tastes horrible! I don't know how you can drink this ghastly stuff night after night.'
'Well, there you go,' cried the husband. 'And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!'
'Well, there you go,' cried the husband. 'And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!'
What did the barman say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini?
Olive or twist?
Olive or twist?
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, 'You look really sad. What's the problem?'
'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me $10,000.'
'Gee, that's tough,' he replied.
'Then in July,' the friend continued, 'My father died, leaving me $50,000.'
'Wow. Two parents were gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'
'And last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000.'
'Three close family members lost in just three months? How sad.'
'Then this month,' continued the friend, 'nothing!'
'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me $10,000.'
'Gee, that's tough,' he replied.
'Then in July,' the friend continued, 'My father died, leaving me $50,000.'
'Wow. Two parents were gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'
'And last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000.'
'Three close family members lost in just three months? How sad.'
'Then this month,' continued the friend, 'nothing!'
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'No way. I don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says, 'You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?' The bartender says, 'Only if what you show me ain't risque.'
'Deal!' says the guy, pulling out a hamster from his coat pocket. Once he sets the hamster on the bar, it dashes off, climbing over a barstool before racing across the room to the piano. It then leaps up on the keyboard and begins to play Gershwin tunes. The hamster, too, is top-notch. The bartender responds, 'You're right. That is the first time I have ever seen anything like it. That hamster plays the piano beautifully. The guy finishes his drink and requests another from the bartender. 'Money or another miracle, else no drink,' says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch and is a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you some kind of nut?! Did you sell a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!'
'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist!'
'Deal!' says the guy, pulling out a hamster from his coat pocket. Once he sets the hamster on the bar, it dashes off, climbing over a barstool before racing across the room to the piano. It then leaps up on the keyboard and begins to play Gershwin tunes. The hamster, too, is top-notch. The bartender responds, 'You're right. That is the first time I have ever seen anything like it. That hamster plays the piano beautifully. The guy finishes his drink and requests another from the bartender. 'Money or another miracle, else no drink,' says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch and is a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you some kind of nut?! Did you sell a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!'
'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist!'
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Was I in here last night?"
"You certainly were," replies the barman.
"And did I spend a lot of money?"
"You spent over 100 Dollars", replies the barman.
"Thank god for that," says the man, "I thought I'd wasted it."
"You certainly were," replies the barman.
"And did I spend a lot of money?"
"You spent over 100 Dollars", replies the barman.
"Thank god for that," says the man, "I thought I'd wasted it."
A man walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his left ear.
"When did you first notice it?" the bartender asked.
"Tt started as a wart," replied the frog.
"When did you first notice it?" the bartender asked.
"Tt started as a wart," replied the frog.
A man goes into a bar and orders three martinis. The bartender is curious and asks why. The man says: "I used to go out for a drink each evening with my brother and sister who have since moved away. This makes me feel closer to them." The man comes into the bar several nights in a row and does the same thing. However, one night he comes in and only orders two drinks. The bartender is concerned. "Gee," he says, "it's none of my business but I hope nothing happened to your brother or sister."
"Oh, no," the guy replies, "I quit drinking."
"Oh, no," the guy replies, "I quit drinking."
I was drinking in a bar last night when a termite crawled up to me and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"
Two guys are chatting in a pub and one says to the other, "How did you get those scars on your nose?"
"From glasses," said the other guy.
"You should try contact lenses."
"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."
"From glasses," said the other guy.
"You should try contact lenses."
"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."
A guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the other customers are telling jokes. One of them says "Seventeen" and the other customers all roar with laughter. A little later, another of them says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What are these guys doing?" The local says "Well, they've been hanging around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talking they've given them all numbers." The new guy says "That's really clever! I think I'll try it." So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence. Everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?"
The local says "Well, son, you just didn't tell it right..."
The local says "Well, son, you just didn't tell it right..."
A man walked into a pub and saw a gorilla serving behind the bar.
"What's the matter?" said the gorilla, realizing he was being stared at. "Have you never seen a gorilla serving drinks before?"
"It's not that," said the man. "I never thought that the hippo would sell this place."
"What's the matter?" said the gorilla, realizing he was being stared at. "Have you never seen a gorilla serving drinks before?"
"It's not that," said the man. "I never thought that the hippo would sell this place."
Some bacon and eggs walked into a bar.
The bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".
The bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".