Elephants
What is grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
Pencils
What do you call a pencil when it stops rolling?
Stationary.
Books
Bill: I just finished my first book.
Joe: Well done.
Bill: Thanks. Next year, I'm planning to read another one.
Father Christmas
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas and a flying saucer?
A UF ho ho ho!
Schools
Teacher to Pupil: What do you get if you divide 2365 by 37?
Pupil: The wrong answer, I expect, Miss.
Pigs
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pig
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Shopping
Customer: Isn't there a smarter assistant available to serve me?
Sales Assistant: No, madam, the smarter assistants saw you coming.
Cannibals
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
A meal will cost you an arm and a leg.
Human
To err is human, to moo bovine.