A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, 'What will you take: 30 days or $30?'
The man thought and replied, 'I think I'll take the money.'
After a police officer has stopped a driver for speeding, he tells him to get out of the car. He looks the man over and says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your eyes are a little bloodshot." Have you had a drink?
The man gets angry and says, 'Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?'
Motorist: 'But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.'
Policeman: 'Well, now you've got something else to tell him.'
Christmas
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
Love
When Jill's boyfriend popped the question, she said: 'I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.
Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mae.
Mae who?
Mae be I'll tell you if you let me in.
Teachers
Teacher: 'What is the outer part of a tree called?'
Pupil: 'I don't know sir.'
Teacher: 'Bark, boy, bark.'
Pupil: 'Woof-woof.'
Cows
What is a cow's favorite city in America?
Moo York City.
Cows
What do you get if you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a kick to it.
Dogs
What kind of dog is good at looking after children?
A baby setter.
Birds
How is a bird sitting on a fence like a coin?
Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
Apes
Which large ape is very smelly?
King Pong.