Scottish
Which famous Scottish poet is setting the place on fire?
Robert Burns.
Blood
I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job.
Bees
What do you call a bee that's had a spell cast on him?
Bee-witched.
Sausages
Did you hear that the local food factory will not make sausages any longer?
They're long enough already.
Cows
What do you call a cow that likes to eat long grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Waiters
My brother was in a restaurant. He said to the waiter, 'You said this was the dish of the day.'
The waiter said, 'It was sir. One day last year.
Getting Old
You know you're getting old when you stop combing your hair and start 'arranging' it.
Death
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Dieting
George: Boy! My diet must be working.
Joe: Why do you say that?
George: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale when I look down.