Doctors
This man went to the doctor. He said, 'Doctor, my nose runs, and my feet smell.'
The doctor said, 'You're built upside down.'
Mice
What do you get if you cross a mouse with an oil can?
A squeak that oils itself.
Stupid
How many jerks who ask dumb questions does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it to what?
Cars
Why can't a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Tires
Why did the tire need a vacation?
Because it just couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Beauty
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Doctors
Patient: I feel like a sheet of music.
Doctor: Please wait a minute while I review your notes.
Birthdays
Ted: My birthday is coming soon. Do you know what I need?
Tim: Yes, I know what you need, but how do you gift-wrap a life?
Santa Claus
How do you know when Santa Claus is in the room?
You can sense his presents.