Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave?
He came down with the flu.
Hypochondriacs make me sick
Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.
My brother said, 'Mum, I feel sick as a dog.'
My mum said, 'Hang on, I'll call the vet.'
Robin: How's the job?
Fred: I lost it due to illness and fatigue.
Robin: Oh. The boss was sick and tired of you, eh?
What should you do with a sick ship?
Take it to the doc.
Blondes
Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Journalists
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
'We just report the facts, we don't change them.'
Cannibals
A sign over a cannibal's hut: 'I never met a man I didn't like.'
Dogs
Did you hear about the dog who went to college?
He won a collarship.
Soup
Waiter, there's a hand in my soup.
'That's not your soup, sir, it's the finger bowl.
Water
What can run all day and never get tired?
Water.
Cars
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a car!
Doctor: Well, just park yourself over there.
Bugs
What kind of bugs are found in clocks?
Ticks.
Bananas
Why did the banana visit the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.