Tires
Why did the tire need a vacation?
Because it just couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Vampires
Why do vampires never get fat?
They eat necks to nothing.
Bankrupt
Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business?
He said he was all washed up.
Cows
What TV program is watched mainly by cows?
Moos At Ten.
Lunch
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Venice.
Venice who?
Venice lunch going to be ready?
Wives
George: This year my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present.
Fred: What was it?
George: She let me win an argument.
Toes
Patient: Doctor, why are you writing on my toes?
Doctor: I'm just adding a footnote.
Success
If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Idiots
I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!