Dieting
Why did the lizard decide to go on a diet?
Because it weighed too much for its scales.
Reality
Do not adjust your mind
- there is a fault in reality
Doctors
Doctor, Doctor, I've got rotten teeth, bad breath, and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!
Doctors
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is just before you retire.
Patient: You mean I don't need to take another bath until I'm sixty-five?
Books
How many books can you put on an empty shelf?
One. After that, it isn't empty.
Dogs
What breed of dog is always tired when it is in London?
An English sleep dog.
Candles
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
You're pretty bright for such a little guy!
Cold
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce in it's cold out here.
Fat
Yo momma is so fat she can sit on a dollar and make change.