Haunted
How do you open a haunted house?
You use a skeleton key.
Airports
Someday, my boat will come in
- and with my luck, I'll be at the airport
Dogs
A man went into a pet shop and asked the assistant if they had any dogs going cheap.
He replied, 'Sorry sir, all ours go woof.'
Eyes
Eye drops off the shelf
Athletes
What do elves get if athletes get athlete's foot?
Mistle-toes.
Magicians
He's a magician. He can turn absolutely anything into an argument.
Wives
How old is your wife?
Approaching forty.
Yes, but from which direction?
Marriage
Husband: Did you marry me just because my father died and left me a fortune?
Wife: No, I would have married you whoever left you a fortune.
Soup
Have you ever had chicken soup?
No, I've never known a chicken who could cook.