Pianos
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a piano.
Doctor: Wait while I make some notes.
Dieting
I'm so overweight I tried dieting - but the only thing I lost was my temper!
Prehistoric
What do you call prehistoric sailing disasters?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Santa Claus
If you fear Santa Claus coming down your chimney at Christmas, are you suffering from Santaclaustrophobia?
Women Drivers
Don't stand in her way if your wife wants to learn to drive.
Lawyers
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you die.
Christmas
Every Christmas, I get a horrendous pain that stays for a week. Then, my mother-in-law goes back to her own house.
Barmen
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, 'Get out. We don't serve your type in here.'
Ugly
What is big, green, and ugly and never smiles?
The Incredible Sulk.