Scottish Jokes and Humour - Page 1

What is worse than a boy playing the bagpipes?
Two boys playing the bagpipes.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who gave a waiter a tip?
The horse lost.

Do you know the difference between a set of bagpipes and a lawnmower?
if someone borrows your lawnmower, you always ask for it back!

Did you hear about the motorist on a tour of Scotland who went into a garage and asked them to fit his car with a set of Mull of Kin tyres?

Did you hear about the Scotsman who invited a young woman back to his room to see his etchings?
He sold her three of them.

Woman in butcher's shop: "what's the cheapest meat that you have?"
Butcher: "Whale meat, madam."
Woman: "How much is it".
Butcher: "Thirty pence a kilo."
Woman: "Well give me a quarter-kilo, and can you throw in the head, for my cat."

It was Hamish's birthday and to celebrate he offered his friend, Hector, a really tiny glass of whisky.
"There you are Hector. That's a 15-year-old malt whisky."
"ls it now?" said Hector looking at the minuscule measure. "It's very small for its age!"

How many bagpipe players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to play a lament for the old one!

Yesterday, Sandy McNab was run over by a beer delivery truck. It was the first time for years that the drinks had been on him.

Hamish: "Do you know what's the difference between you and a vending machine?"
Jimmy: "No?"
Hamish: "You can get a drink out of a vending machine."