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Scottish Jokes and Humour - Page 1

Here is our collection of humorous Scottish jokes and funny stories about Scotland and the Scots. We hope you will like them. There are 80 jokes in this category.
Scottish jokes and humor - Loch Ness monster

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Scottish Jokes and Humour
Did you hear about the motorist on a tour of Scotland who went into a garage and asked them to fit his car with a set of Mull of Kin tyres?
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Did you hear about the Scotsman who invited a young woman back to his room to see his etchings?
He sold her three of them.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Woman in butcher's shop: "what's the cheapest meat that you have?"
Butcher: "Whale meat, madam."
Woman: "How much is it".
Butcher: "Thirty pence a kilo."
Woman: "Well give me a quarter-kilo, and can you throw in the head, for my cat."
Scottish Jokes and Humour
It was Hamish's birthday and to celebrate he offered his friend, Hector, a really tiny glass of whisky.
"There you are Hector. That's a 15-year-old malt whisky."
"ls it now?" said Hector looking at the minuscule measure. "It's very small for its age!"
Submitted by: Brian
Scottish Jokes and Humour
How many bagpipe players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to play a lament for the old one!
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Yesterday, Sandy McNab was run over by a beer delivery truck. It was the first time for years that the drinks had been on him.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Hamish: "Do you know what's the difference between you and a vending machine?"
Jimmy: "No?"
Hamish: "You can get a drink out of a vending machine."
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Did you hear about the Scotsman who was arrested by the police. They charged him with breaking into a five-pound note.
However, they let him go with just a warning as it was his first offence.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Did you hear about the Scottish father who had a dilemma? His son wanted a dog and his daughter wanted a cat. He felt that having a cat and a dog would be too expensive. So he bought a cat and taught it to bark!
Scottish Jokes and Humour
McTavish arrived at the gates of Heaven and demanded that he be admitted.
"Where are you from?" asked St Peter.
"Scotland," said McTavish proudly.
"Away with you," said St Peter. "We couldn't possibly cook haggis for just one!"
Submitted by: Will

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