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Scottish Jokes - Page 9 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories

Here is more of our humorous Scottish jokes and funny stories about Scotland and the Scots.

This is page 9 of 10. Showing jokes 97 to 108

A Scots woman goes in a dry cleaning shop and says to the shop owner, "Can I sit down for a wee while, I have a bairn."
The posh shop owner replies, "I'm sorry, we don't repair scorched clothing."
Did you hear about the Scotsman whose horse swallowed a fifty pence piece?
He's been riding backwards every since.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on the 29th of February?
It meant that he had only to buy her a birthday present once every four years.
Which untidy monster lives in a Scottish loch?
The Loch Mess Monster.
When is a Scotsman like a donkey?
When he stands on the banks and brays.
A little boy in a Glasgow school was asked a question by his teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five pounds and I asked to borrow three pounds from you, how many would you have then?"
The boy replied, "Five."
When Sandy MacGillivray came back from his first trip to London, everyone in the village was keen to find out how he had got on. "Did you like it?"
"Oh, it was no' bad."
"As good as that, Was it?"
"Well, there was just the one thing wrong. The other guests in my hotel just would not go to their beds. They were in the corridor outside my room shouting and banging on my door until three o'clock in the morning."
"So what did you do, Sandy?"
"Och, I just kept on playing my bagpipes."
Walter went on a date with his new girlfriend and they reached the door of her flat just before midnight. When she kissed him goodnight she said, "be careful on your way home or someone might rob you of all the money you've saved this evening".
Last night there was a big argument in a Glasgow cinema. Two men were trying to get in using one ticket - they said they half-brothers.
After discovering they had won ten million pounds on the National Lottery, Mr. and Mrs. McKenzie sat down to discuss their future.
"After twenty years of washing other people's stairs to earn money," said Mrs McKenzie, "At last I can throw away my old scrubbing brush."
"Of course you can," said her husband. "We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
Have you heard about the Scotsman who gave a present of fifty pounds each to an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman?
Nor has anyone else.
Did you hear about the shark that lives in Loch Ness?
It's called Loch Jaws.

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