Scottish Jokes and Humour - Page 7

A salesman from England was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
"And if you carry our new line of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey," the salesman said.
"Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts," said the buyer. "That would be a form of bribery."
"I'11 tell you what," said the salesman. "Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey." "How much for?"
"Say, a pound for the case."
"Oh, well," said the buyer, writing out the pur�chase order. "At that price, I'll take two cases."

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM".

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically." Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
"Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: �Anything I can get you, Hughie?�
No reply.
�Have you got a last wish, Hughie?�
Faintly, came the answer. . . �a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.�
�Wheesht, man,� said Maggie, �you know fine that�s for the your funeral.�

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
�You�ll find,� he said, �a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half�breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.�
�Not surprisingly,� shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. �The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

ABERDEEN TIPS
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.