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Scottish Jokes and Humour - Page 6

Here is more of our humorous Scottish jokes and funny stories about Scotland and the Scots.

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Scottish Jokes and Humour
McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" asked a newspaper reporter.
"Disappointed," said McDougal, "My other ticket didn't win anything."
Scottish Jokes and Humour
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?
A canoe sometimes tips.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went out for a night on the town. The Englishman spent £30, the Irishman spent £20 and the Scotsman spent a very enjoyable evening.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.
Scottish Jokes and Humour
The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"
Scottish Jokes and Humour
A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."
Scottish Jokes and Humour
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
Submitted by: Stevie
Scottish Jokes and Humour
A salesman from England was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
"And if you carry our new line of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey," the salesman said.
"Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts," said the buyer. "That would be a form of bribery."
"I'11 tell you what," said the salesman. "Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey." "How much for?"
"Say, a pound for the case."
"Oh, well," said the buyer, writing out the pur≠chase order. "At that price, I'll take two cases."
Submitted by: Stevie
Scottish Jokes and Humour
Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
Scottish Jokes and Humour
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM".
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg

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