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Scottish Jokes - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here is our collection of humorous Scottish jokes and funny stories about Scotland and the Scots. Whether you're Scottish or just appreciate a good belly laugh, these jokes are guaranteed to put a smile on your face.
This is page 2 of 10. Showing jokes 13 to 24
When Big Peter Macnab died in Glasgow, his old widow wanted to tell all his friends at the same time, so she went to the newspaper office and said, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband'
The man at the desk says 'OK, so how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies just '5 Pounds' to which the man says 'You won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes a few words and hands it to the clerk, and the man reads 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid, deid'.
The clerk feels raher guilty at the abruptness of the message and encourages the old woman to write a few more words. The old woman thinks for a minute, adds a few more words, and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale.'
The man at the desk says 'OK, so how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies just '5 Pounds' to which the man says 'You won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes a few words and hands it to the clerk, and the man reads 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid, deid'.
The clerk feels raher guilty at the abruptness of the message and encourages the old woman to write a few more words. The old woman thinks for a minute, adds a few more words, and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale.'
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large glass bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour a level cup and drink it. Repeat. Use the electric mixer to beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add a large teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs, add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Finally, check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who actually likes fruitcake anyway?
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large glass bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour a level cup and drink it. Repeat. Use the electric mixer to beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add a large teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs, add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Finally, check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who actually likes fruitcake anyway?
Why is a Scottish boy with a cold like a soldier with seven days' leave?
Because they both have a wee cough (week off).
Because they both have a wee cough (week off).
ABERDEEN TIPS
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Personal address books are an excellent way to use old phone books. Just scribble over the names and addresses of people you don't know.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Personal address books are an excellent way to use old phone books. Just scribble over the names and addresses of people you don't know.
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, 'Sure, I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
You'll find, he said, a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.
Not surprisingly, shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
You'll find, he said, a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.
Not surprisingly, shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: Anything I can get you, Hughie?
No reply.
Have you got a last wish, Hughie?
Faintly came the answer: a wee bit of that boiled ham over there.
Wheesht, man, said Maggie, you know fine, that's for your funeral.
No reply.
Have you got a last wish, Hughie?
Faintly came the answer: a wee bit of that boiled ham over there.
Wheesht, man, said Maggie, you know fine, that's for your funeral.
Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the three Englanders.
'Watch and you'll see,' answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their seats, but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket,' asks one perplexed Englishman.
'Watch and you'll see,' says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train, the three Scots cram into a toilet, and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the three Englanders.
'Watch and you'll see,' answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their seats, but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket,' asks one perplexed Englishman.
'Watch and you'll see,' says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train, the three Scots cram into a toilet, and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, 'may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace and harmony.' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.'
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, 'may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace and harmony.' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.'
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. 'What's the story this time? Hughie ?' he asked sarcastically.' Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
'Wee Hughie sighed, 'Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle, and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.'
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, 'said his boss, disappointed. 'No woman can be ready in ten minutes.'
'Wee Hughie sighed, 'Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle, and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.'
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, 'said his boss, disappointed. 'No woman can be ready in ten minutes.'
In the old days, the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills, and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn, there was a fog (as thick as pea soup), and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. While the two armies were resting, a voice with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen'.
With this, the English general sent down 10 of his best soldiers. There was a hell of a fight, and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
' Anyone Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman'.
The English general sent down 50 of his best soldiers. The same thing happened: a terrible fight ensued, and again, NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman'.
Same same down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman'.
By this time, the English general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general, he said, 'Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM.'
One morning at dawn, there was a fog (as thick as pea soup), and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. While the two armies were resting, a voice with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen'.
With this, the English general sent down 10 of his best soldiers. There was a hell of a fight, and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
' Anyone Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman'.
The English general sent down 50 of his best soldiers. The same thing happened: a terrible fight ensued, and again, NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman'.
Same same down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman'.
By this time, the English general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general, he said, 'Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM.'
Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the madman was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbor was really concerned. 'That's looks an awfully big hole for a goldfish?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of soil and then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbor was really concerned. 'That's looks an awfully big hole for a goldfish?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of soil and then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'