Scottish Jokes - Page 10 - With 9 More Jokes and Funny Stories

Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis?
He didn't have the guts for it anymore.

John McDougal heard about a doctor who charged ten pounds for the first consultation but only three pounds for every subsequent visit. So he walked into the doctor's surgery and announced, "Here I am again, doctor."
"Just keep up the treatment I prescribed last time," said the doctor, who was also a Scotsman.

Hamish was travelling by train from Edinburgh to London so he went to the train station and handed over money for his ticket. The ticket clerk handed over the ticket and said, "by the way, change at York."
"I'll have mine now, if you don't mind," said Hamish.

Having just brought his son home from the opticians, the Scotsman said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not looking at anything."

In Scotland what's the difference between a wedding and a wake?
There's one drunk less at a wake.

"And exactly what made you suspect that these two men were drunk, officer?" a Glasgow judge asked a policeman in court.
"Well, Your Honour," said the policeman, "Jock was throwing five pound notes away and Hamish was picking them up and handing them back to him."

AN Englishman and a Scotsman where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the barman told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!" Smyth-Jones, the Englishman, liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing that O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and MacGregor, that the barman didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor talked to the barman, the barman mentioned the two guys who walked out without paying. MacGregor asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, "I'm not looking for trouble."
MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home".

On the train from Edinburgh to Dundee, the ticket collector was having a argument with a passenger who had no ticket. The passenger claimed that he was a schoolboy and so was entitled to pay half-fare, though to the ticket collector he looked somewhat older. He had a big brown suitcase on the luggage rack. In the end his rudeness so annoyed the official that he picked up the suitcase just as the train was going over the Forth Bridge and threatened to throw it out of the window.
"That's typical!" shouted the passenger. "You people are all the same. First you refuse to believe I'm still at school, then you threaten to throw my little boy into the river."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a bar and had just started on a new round of beer when a fly landed in each glass. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Irishman blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it out, ye wee devil," he growled.