My brother got thrown out of the zoo last week. I said, 'Why was that?'
He said, 'I fed the monkeys.'
I said, 'You got thrown out of the zoo for feeding the monkeys?'
He said, 'Yes, I fed them to the lions.'
My brother said, 'Did you know about the wild men of Borneo who have no tongues?'
I said, 'No tongues? How can they talk?'
He said, 'They can't. That's what drives them wild.'
This kid said to me, 'My dad can beat your dad up.'
I said to him, 'That's nothing. So can my mum.'
My dad said to me, 'Son, today I fought off the powers of darkness.'
I said, 'How did you do that?'
He said, 'I paid the electricity bill.'
My brother said, 'I've got this awful job down on the farm. I'm up to my elbows in manure all day.'
I said, 'Well, at least it'll stop you biting your nails.'
And which really horrible Mother Superior went all over Europe beating people up?
Attila the Nun.
How did Quasimodo know the end was near?
He had a hunch.
Where does Tarzan buy his underpants?
In a jungle sale.
My sister got me into trouble the other day.
She said, Mum, he's broken my dolly.'
My mum said, 'How did that happen?'
My sister said, 'Well, I was hitting him on the head with it, and it broke.'
My sister said to her friend, 'Do you like worms?'
Her friend said, 'No, they're 'orrible things.'
My sister said, 'Why did you just eat one in your sandwich then?'
These gangsters came to our house, and my sister answered the door. They said to her, 'Kid, is your mum in?'
My Sister said, 'No, she ain't.'
They said, 'Kid, is your dad in?'
My sister said, 'No, he ain't.'
They said, 'Ah, come on kid, where's your grammar?'
My sister said, 'In the front room asleep.'
How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand...