Wherever I go, I take my wife along. I hate to kiss her goodbye.
You can't win. His first wife could cook but wouldn't. His second wife can't cook but does.
'Carry your bag, sir?'
'No, let her walk!'
'Does your wife pick your clothes?'
'No, just the pockets.'
'Is your wife outspoken?'
'Not by anyone I know of.'
'So Jones is dead. Did he leave his wife much?'
'Oh, nearly every night.'
'So you and your wife are not speaking?'
'No, just shouting.'
'I can't believe he's in a hospital. Why, only yesterday I saw him with a blonde.'
'So did his wife.'
'That's a beautiful pleated shirt you are wearing.'
'Those aren't pleats. It's the way my wife irons.'
'What happened to the dopey blonde your husband used to run around with?'
'I dyed my hair.'
A glass of water can excite you, especially when your wife spills it on you while you sleep.
A man can always tell what kind of time he's had at a party by the look on his wife's face.