Did you hear what happened when a car mechanic went to see a psychiatrist?
He lay down under the couch.
The world will beat a psychopath to your door if you become a great psychiatrist.
Any man who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
Psychiatrist: So what's your problem?
Patient: I prefer patterned socks to plain socks.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer patterned socks to plain socks. I do myself.
Patient: So how do you like yours - fried or boiled?
A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam.
The psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Why did the psychiatrist make his wife sleep under their bed?
Because she was a little potty.
The psychiatrist said "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've been able to diagnose your problem. You have a split personality."
"What's the bad news?" said the patient.
"I need to bill you twice."