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Jokes About Lawyers - Page 5 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here are more of our jokes and funny stories about lawyers and the legal profession.
This is page 5 of 10. Showing jokes 49 to 60
The prosecuting attorney attacked a witness at the height of a political corruption trial. 'Isn't it true,' he asked loudly, 'that you accepted a sum of money to compromise this case?' The witness gazed out the window, seemingly oblivious to the question being asked. Once more, the prosecutor bellowed, "Is it accurate to say that you took $5,000 in order to undermine this case?" The witness remained unresponsive. At last, the judge leaned forward and politely requested, 'Sir, kindly respond to the question.'
'Oh,' the surprised witness remarked, 'I assumed he was addressing you.'
'Oh,' the surprised witness remarked, 'I assumed he was addressing you.'
During his trip to San Francisco, a guy came across a musty curio shop that appeared to have been forgotten by the passage of time. This appeared to be completely out of place in the bustling city. After his interest was stimulated, the man went inside the store to investigate further. Dusty but intriguing things littered the shelves of the seemingly deserted store. The man noticed a rather nasty brass rat on a shelf behind the counter and became curiously attracted to it. Although it was ugly, he had never seen anything quite like it because of how realistic and intricately detailed it was. He requested a price from the store owner.
When he saw that he could get the rat for only $5, the man was happy and gave the cash to the storekeeper. The shopkeeper, however, firmly told the man, "This sale is final," before handing him the rat. I will not, under any circumstances, take the brass rat back if you leave the shop with it.
Considering that the rat only cost $5, the man found the warning odd. That was scarcely a significant enough amount to worry about, even if he did end up detesting the rat. After accepting the shopkeeper's requirements, he took the rat and departed.
Everything appeared to be quite normal at first. However, the man began to hear odd rustling noises surrounding him as he made his way back toward his car. Then he noticed a live rat follow him after scuttling out of an alley. Rats appeared out of nowhere, swarming from bins and drains, moving around his feet and trailing behind him.
The man started to run, but more and more of the rats followed. The man came to the realization that tens of thousands of rats were pursuing him. Rats crawled up behind him, bringing the ground to life.
The shopkeeper's warning finally made sense to the man, and he knew what he had to do. He turned to face the bay and headed toward the sea as fast as he could. Upon reaching the shore, he hurled the brass rat into the bay as far as he could. The rodents dashed past him and dove headfirst into the water, where they perished.
The man returned to the curio shop, and when the proprietor saw him, he exclaimed, "I told you, no refunds." I don't want any trouble here. The deal was final, and you cannot return the product.'
The man smiled and replied, 'Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know - do you have a brass lawyer in stock?'
When he saw that he could get the rat for only $5, the man was happy and gave the cash to the storekeeper. The shopkeeper, however, firmly told the man, "This sale is final," before handing him the rat. I will not, under any circumstances, take the brass rat back if you leave the shop with it.
Considering that the rat only cost $5, the man found the warning odd. That was scarcely a significant enough amount to worry about, even if he did end up detesting the rat. After accepting the shopkeeper's requirements, he took the rat and departed.
Everything appeared to be quite normal at first. However, the man began to hear odd rustling noises surrounding him as he made his way back toward his car. Then he noticed a live rat follow him after scuttling out of an alley. Rats appeared out of nowhere, swarming from bins and drains, moving around his feet and trailing behind him.
The man started to run, but more and more of the rats followed. The man came to the realization that tens of thousands of rats were pursuing him. Rats crawled up behind him, bringing the ground to life.
The shopkeeper's warning finally made sense to the man, and he knew what he had to do. He turned to face the bay and headed toward the sea as fast as he could. Upon reaching the shore, he hurled the brass rat into the bay as far as he could. The rodents dashed past him and dove headfirst into the water, where they perished.
The man returned to the curio shop, and when the proprietor saw him, he exclaimed, "I told you, no refunds." I don't want any trouble here. The deal was final, and you cannot return the product.'
The man smiled and replied, 'Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know - do you have a brass lawyer in stock?'
Two lawyer partners leave their office to eat lunch. The junior partner hits himself on the head in the middle of lunch. "I forgot to lock the safe in the office before we left."
His partner replies, ' What are you worried about? We're both here.'
His partner replies, ' What are you worried about? We're both here.'
'Why are all the blinds drawn?' exclaimed the lawyer as he awoke following surgery.
The doctor replied: 'There's a big fire across the street, and we were worried that you would think the operation was a failure.'
The doctor replied: 'There's a big fire across the street, and we were worried that you would think the operation was a failure.'
It came to light that the town's most prosperous lawyer had never donated to the local United Way. When a volunteer from the community phones to ask for his gift, she says, "Our research reveals that despite earning over a million dollars annually, you do not donate a single penny to charity!" Don't you want to use The United Way to give back to your community?
The lawyer pauses briefly before responding: 'Firstly, have you discovered any information indicating that my mother is currently in a critical condition due to a prolonged and agonizing illness, with medical expenses that far exceed her financial means?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh, no.'
'And secondly, that my blind, wheelchair-bound brother is a crippled veteran who cannot provide for his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
Thirdly, my sister's husband tragically passed away in a terrible car crash, leaving her with a mortgage, three children, and no means of support. The lawyer's voice rose with anger as he said this.
The United Way representative, who is embarrassed and utterly defeated, says, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says,'...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?'
The lawyer pauses briefly before responding: 'Firstly, have you discovered any information indicating that my mother is currently in a critical condition due to a prolonged and agonizing illness, with medical expenses that far exceed her financial means?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh, no.'
'And secondly, that my blind, wheelchair-bound brother is a crippled veteran who cannot provide for his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
Thirdly, my sister's husband tragically passed away in a terrible car crash, leaving her with a mortgage, three children, and no means of support. The lawyer's voice rose with anger as he said this.
The United Way representative, who is embarrassed and utterly defeated, says, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says,'...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?'
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 percent of its members give it a bad name.
A man went to the Chamber of Commerce in a small town. Obviously distressed, he asked the man at the counter, 'Is there a criminal attorney in town?'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
No.
Reply: Good!
No.
Reply: Good!
A lawyer was driving down a country road when he saw a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, 'We are so poor we can't afford food'. So the lawyer says, 'get in my car. I'll take you to my house.' 'Are you sure'? Asked one of the people, 'there are 6 of us'. 'Yes, get in the car,' said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyer's house, one of the people said, 'this is really great of you,' and the lawyer 'said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall'.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'
'It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'
'Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, 'Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.
'Yes.That's how we won the case.'
'I don't understand,' said the lawyer.
'It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
'If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'
'It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'
'Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, 'Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.
'Yes.That's how we won the case.'
'I don't understand,' said the lawyer.
'It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.
Retired.
What is the similarity between lawyers and nuclear weapons?
It is customary for both sides to have one if one side possesses one. Once launched, they cannot be undone. Unfortunately, their arrival has a lasting impact on everything.
It is customary for both sides to have one if one side possesses one. Once launched, they cannot be undone. Unfortunately, their arrival has a lasting impact on everything.