Jokes About Lawyers - Page 3

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri?
Run over a lawyer.

The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Where there's a will, there's a happy Lawyer!

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.