A client was going over a bill he had just received from his lawyer. "What's this item here?" he said. "I don't mind paying for the lunch we had together, but what is this, 'Luncheon Advice, $50'?"
"Don't you remember?" said the lawyer. "You asked me what I recommended, and I said Beef Bourgignon."
Lawyer: "And just how far were you from the accident when it took place?"
Witness: "Eighteen feet, two and a half inches."
Lawyer: "Oh, come now! How can you be so exact?"
Witness: "I knew some stupid idiot would ask me so I measured it."
A young man was appearing as a witness in a court case. The prosecuting counsel was not at all happy with his evidence and said sharply, "Has anyone been telling you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," replied the young man. "My father."
"I see," said the lawyer. "And just what exactly did he tell you?"
"He said the lawyers would try to get me all mixed up but if I stuck to the truth, I'd be all right."
A man who had been injured in a motor accident spent several weeks in hospital. After his release, he was hobbling along the street on crutches when he met an old friend. "Hello, Bill!" said the friend. "Glad to see you are up and about again. How long will it be before you can get rid of your crutches?"
"Well," said Bill, "my doctor says I can get along without them now, but my lawyer says I can't."
Christmas
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy. Dogs
What did the dog say when he sat on a piece of sandpaper?
Ruff. Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crate.
Crate who?
Crate to be here. Mother-in-law
I gave my mother-in-law a waterproof, shockproof, anti-magnetic, unbreakable watch. She went and lost it.Blondes
When her laptop computer freezes, what does a blonde do?
She puts it in the microwave.Restaurants Food
I've made the chicken soup.
That's a relief, I thought it was for us.Computers
Unix - Reach out and grep someone.Women
It's easy to tell when a woman has dialed the wrong number. She'll only talk for ten minutes.