Jokes About Drunks - Page 4 - With 10 More Jokes and Funny Stories

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you.

Drunk 1: Do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: What?
Drunk 1: I said, do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: Of course not.
Drunk 1: Oh no, I think I just squeezed a canary into my drink!

I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

It was a woman who first drove me to drink, and I never did stop to thank her.

I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth.

A husband went out for a few drinks with his friends one Friday evening but ended up getting so drunk at their flat that by the time he came round, it was Sunday lunchtime. Realizing that his wife would never forgive give him for the missing day and a half, he knew he had to come up with a plausible explanation. He was really struggling to think of a good excuse until he had a sudden brainwave. Calling home, he yelled down the phone: "Don't pay the ransom, darling! I've managed to escape!"

A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Michael Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Billy White, and I live in the flat above Michael."

He drinks like a fish — it's too bad he doesn't drink what fishes drink.

No one makes him drink the amount he does — he volunteers to do it.

A drunk staggered into a bar and said, "Give me a gim and tomic."
The bartender said, "You're too drunk — get out!"
The drunk went out, walked around the block, and came back in again, walked up to the bar and said, "Give me a gim and tomic."
The bartender said, "You're too drunk — get out!"
Again the drunk walked out, went around the block, back in again, up to the bar, and said, "Give me a gim and tomic."
Again the bartender said, "You're too drunk — get out!"
And the drunk said, "Hang on! Do you own all the pubs in this town?"