WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you.
Drunk 1: Do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: What?
Drunk 1: I said, do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: Of course not.
Drunk 1: Oh no, I think I just squeezed a canary into my drink!
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
It was a woman who first drove me to drink, and I never did stop to thank her.
I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth.
A husband went out for a few drinks with his friends one Friday evening but ended up getting so drunk at their flat that by the time he came round, it was Sunday lunchtime. Realizing that his wife would never forgive give him for the missing day and a half, he knew he had to come up with a plausible explanation. He was really struggling to think of a good excuse until he had a sudden brainwave. Calling home, he yelled down the phone: "Don't pay the ransom, darling! I've managed to escape!"
A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Michael Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Billy White, and I live in the flat above Michael."