Jokes About Animals - Page 3

I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

A man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar.
Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.
Bartender: What's a Matabooboo?
Bear: Nuttin' Yogi.

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was,
"Don't scurry, be hoppy."

A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.
"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it".
The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?"
"Yes."
"I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

A polar bear walks in to a bar and says to the barman. "I'll have a Gin and..........................tonic."
"Why the big pause?" replies the barman. The Polar bear looks down at this hands and says
"What do you mean, I've always had them."

A petrol attendent is filling a man's car, when he notices that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. The attendant turns to the man and asks what the deal is with the penguin.
"Well" the man says. "I found the little guy a few weeks ago wandering around looking sad. I've been going crazy thinking of things I can do for him."
"There's a zoo just down the road," replies the attendant. "Why don't you take him there".
The man thanks the attendant, pays, and drives off to the zoo.
A few days later the man pulls up to the petrol station and again is met by the attendant who notices that the penguin is still in the back of the car.
"I thought you were taking him to the zoo" asks the attendant.
"I did thanks" answers the man. "He loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach today".

A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.
No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist.
The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.
"Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

A giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there quietly eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside.
"Did you see that?" exclaimed a customer. "Why did he do that?" he asked the manager. The manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. "I'm looking it up in the dictionary," he replied. "It says here: "Panda, eats shoots and leaves."