Lies
Fred: Have you ever seen a machine that can detect when someone is lying?
Joe: Have you seen one? I have married one!
Life
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Lies
Politicians are a bit like restless sleepers.
First, they lie on one side and then on the other.
Libraries
What do you call a dog that works in a library?
A hush-puppy!
Lies
It's tough being a politician. Lying destroys half your reputation, and the truth destroys the other half!
License
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Lettuce
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce in it's cold out here.
Lettuce
What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
License
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Lettuce
What did the rabbits say when they were caught in the vegetable patch?
Lettuce alone!