Dalmatians
Why are Dalmatians no good at playing hide and seek?
Because they are always spotted.
Everything
What do you give someone who has everything?
A burglar alarm.
Whales
Where would you go if you wanted to weigh a whale?
To the whale way station!
Trains
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.
Permanent
Dave: Did you hear that Fred has got a job at the bowling alley?
Joe: What tenpin?
Dave: No, it's a permanent job.
Doctors
Patient: I have a splinter in my finger.
Doctor: Well, that's what you get for scratching your head.
Dogs
Why are dogs not good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Pencils
What do you call a pencil when it stops rolling?
Stationary.
Cold
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce in it's cold out here.