Police
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes, who?
Dishes the police. Open this door!
Weddings
Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
The Lottery
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water our chances of winning the lottery?
Pencils
What do you call a pencil when it stops rolling?
Stationary.
Singing
What should you do if you lock yourself out of your house?
Keep singing until you find the right key.
Doctors
This girl went to the doctor. She said, 'I keep thinking there's two of me.
The doctor said, just wait, and 'I'll deal with you one at a time.'
Rich
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, 'Daddy, I want a new apartment.'
Lightbulbs
How many roadies/sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. 'I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job.'
Christmas
What do you call somebody who claps their hands when the contestants in a Christmas quiz show get the right answer?
Santapplause.