When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "�5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".
The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale."
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Tires
Why did the tire need a vacation?
Because it just couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Your Apology
I'm a self-made man.
We accept your apology.
Cheese
What Sort of cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Chicken Soup
Have you ever had chicken soup?
No, I've never known a chicken who could cook.
School
Teacher: Today I want you to write an essay on an elephant.
Pupil: But won't we fall off?
Cows
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo-souri.
Ghosts
What game do young ghosts like to play?
Hide and shriek!
Dog
What is the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
One drools and the other one dribbles.
Batman
What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a steamroller?
Flatman and ribbon.