When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".
The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale."
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Someone
How did you get here? Did someone leave the door of your cage open?
Doctors
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a window.
Doctor: Tell me where the pane is.
Horses
My mum said to my uncle, 'What's got four legs and flies?'
My uncle said, 'Don't tell me, the horse is dead.'
Astronaut
What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
Sherlock Holmes
Did you hear about the detective who became famous after solving crimes by pure chance?
He was called Sheer - Luck Holmes.
Hi
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hi.
Hi who?
Hi, who are you?
Shopping
I really don't like shopping centers. After all, once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
The Lottery
Can you call someone on the other side of the international date line and get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?
Astronauts
Why is an astronaut like an American football player?
They both want to make safe touchdowns.