How can you tell when it's going to be a bad day?
* You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
* Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is Frank.
* You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
* You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
* Your tax refund cheque bounces.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Months
Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
All the months.
Sailors
Did you hear about the man who thought Bob Marley and the Wailers were the sailors who caught Moby Dick?
Frozen
What is white, cold and very quiet?
A frozen silence.
Prehistoric
What do you call prehistoric sailing disasters?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Cow
what do you get if you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a kick to it.
Politicians
A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around it.
This Morning
I heard something this morning that really made me open my eyes.
What was it?
My alarm clock.
Voters
Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Friendly
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cat's purr.
Cat's purr who?
Cat's purr the friendly ghost.