A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
My brother said, 'Mum, I'm feeling sick as a dog.'
My mum said, 'Hang on, I'll call the vet.'
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Clocks
This bloke said to my brother, 'I think I'm a clock you know.'
My brother said, 'Well don't get wound up about it.'
Frogs
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Cars
This is not an abandoned vehicle
Peanuts
There were these two peanuts walking down the street and one was assaulted.
Santa Claus
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws.
Dieting
I'm so overweight I tried dieting - but the only thing I lost was my temper!
Elephants
What are the largest ants in the world?
Elephants.
Bank Robbers
Which rabbits became famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.
Work
Dave: Do you like going to work?
Patrick: Yes. And I like going home, too. It's the part in between that I hate.