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Joke Topic - 'Ventriloquists'
Here are 3 jokes on the topic - 'Ventriloquists'.
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'No way. I don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says, 'You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?' The bartender says, 'Only if what you show me ain't risque.'
'Deal!' says the guy, pulling out a hamster from his coat pocket. Once he sets the hamster on the bar, it dashes off, climbing over a barstool before racing across the room to the piano. It then leaps up on the keyboard and begins to play Gershwin tunes. The hamster, too, is top-notch. The bartender responds, 'You're right. That is the first time I have ever seen anything like it. That hamster plays the piano beautifully. The guy finishes his drink and requests another from the bartender. 'Money or another miracle, else no drink,' says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch and is a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you some kind of nut?! Did you sell a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!'
'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist!'
'Deal!' says the guy, pulling out a hamster from his coat pocket. Once he sets the hamster on the bar, it dashes off, climbing over a barstool before racing across the room to the piano. It then leaps up on the keyboard and begins to play Gershwin tunes. The hamster, too, is top-notch. The bartender responds, 'You're right. That is the first time I have ever seen anything like it. That hamster plays the piano beautifully. The guy finishes his drink and requests another from the bartender. 'Money or another miracle, else no drink,' says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch and is a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you some kind of nut?! Did you sell a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!'
'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist!'
How many VENTRILOQUISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the gulg and one to gold the gottom of the lagger.
Two. One to change the gulg and one to gold the gottom of the lagger.
This guy walks into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender, 'I'll have a Scotch and Soda.'
Then the crocodile says 'And I'll have a Whiskey Sour.'
The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps 'That's incredible I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!'
And the guy says 'He can't the chicken is a ventriloquist.'
Then the crocodile says 'And I'll have a Whiskey Sour.'
The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps 'That's incredible I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!'
And the guy says 'He can't the chicken is a ventriloquist.'
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Kidding
'Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
Baseball
What does a baseball pitcher like to do on his birthday?
Throw a party.
Throw a party.
Money
My brother said, 'I'm going to become a forger. I'm going to make some big money.'
I said, 'Don't make it too big or someone will notice.'
I said, 'Don't make it too big or someone will notice.'
Restaurants
What does a skeleton order when he eats in a restaurant?
Spareribs.
Spareribs.
Horses
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neighbor.
A neighbor.
Dracula
What type of TV does Dracula own?
A plasma.
A plasma.
Scary
Which are the scariest prehistoric creatures?
Terror dactyls.
Terror dactyls.
Fish
Which part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
The scales.
Cars
Did you hear about the man who lost control of his car?
He didn't keep up with the payments on it.
He didn't keep up with the payments on it.