A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm color blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you exceeded the speed limit,' said the policeman.
'So what?' said the motorist.
' And on top of all that, you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer.
'' I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'
After a police officer has stopped a driver for speeding, he tells him to get out of the car. He looks the man over and says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your eyes are a little bloodshot." Have you had a drink?
The man gets angry and says, 'Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?'
Traffic Cop: Lady, you're under arrest for speeding.
Lady Driver: I wasn't a speeding officer, though I did just pass a few men drivers who were. You should arrest them.
Vampires
Did you hear about the vampire who liked ballroom dancing?
He especially liked the vaultz.
Clocks
This bloke said to my brother, 'I think I'm a clock, you know.'
My brother said, 'Well, don't get wound up about it.'
Barbers
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!
Psychiatrists
Why go to a psychiatrist when you can stay at home and talk to the ceiling for free?
Horses
Did you hear about the horse that has made over twenty movies?
He's not a star, though; he just does bit parts.
Bugs
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Doctors
My mum said, 'Doctor, give me something for my kidneys.'
The doctor said, 'How about a few rashers of bacon?'
Bald
What did the bald man say when he was given a comb as a birthday present?
Thanks, I'll never part with it.
Deer
What do you get if you teach a deer to be a hairdresser?
A styling mousse.