A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!"
His wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" asked a newspaper reporter.
"Disappointed," said McDougal, "My other ticket didn't win anything."
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Cricket
Why could you say that a fish and chip shop is like a cricket team?
Because they both need a good batter.
Horses
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bour.
The Butler
Knock knock
Who's there?
Norma
Norma who?
Normally the butler opens the door.
To Err
To err is human to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
Lawyers
What's a good example of a missed opportunity?
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat.
Getting Old
You know you're getting old when you look at the menu before looking at the waitress or waiter.
Cows
Why do cows have bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work.
Teachers
Teacher: Take this sentence: "I don't have no fun at the weekend." How should I correct this?
Pupil: Perhaps you could try and find a boyfriend.
Bars
I'm watching my drinking, so now I only visit bars that have mirrors on the walls.