Drunks
'I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.'
Brains
Please make sure that your brain is engaged before you put your mouth into gear
Wives
Joe: Your wife is pretty old.
Bob: Thank you. She was even prettier when she was younger.
Pianos
Mack: My uncle plays piano by ear.
Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers!
Scary
Which are the scariest prehistoric creatures?
Terror dactyls.
Women
What do you call a very tidy woman?
Anita House.
Rabbits
How do you post a rabbit?
By hare mail.
Retiring
Before deciding to retire from working, it is best to stay home for a week and watch daytime TV shows.
Mothers
Billy: My mother has the worst memory in the world.
Frank: She forgets everything?
Billy: No. She remembers everything.