Cannibals
The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man.
'Oh no!' he groaned. 'Not snake and pygmy pie again.'
Vacations
His mind is on vacation, but his mouth is working overtime.
Calendars
Why was the calendar sad?
Because its days were numbered.
Nature
Do you still love nature despite what it did to you?
Breed
What breed of dog does a chemistry teacher have?
A laboratory retriever.
Ghosts
What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall?
The nightmayor.
Lawyers
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Pigs
Why is ink like a pig?
They both can be found in a pen.
Marriage
My brother asked this girl, 'Would you like my hand in marriage?'
The girl said, 'Alright, but who's getting the rest of you?'