John said, 'That bloke up at the tea counter thinks he's a snooker ball.'
My brother said, 'Ah, so that's why he's at the end of the queue.
Patient: I've been feeling a little off-color lately.
Doctor: Tell me what you have been eating recently.
Patient: I only eat snooker balls.
Doctor: Snooker balls?
Patient: Yes, I have a blue one for breakfast, a pink and a yellow one for lunch, red ones as snacks, and then a black one for dinner.
Doctor: Aha, I see what the problem is - you're not getting enough greens.
What is the difference between a gardener and a snooker player?
One minds his peas, and the other minds his cues.
Where does the gardener like to play snooker?
In the potting shed.
Lawyers
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 percent of its members give it a bad name.
Teachers
What's the difference between a teacher and a train engineer?
One minds the train; the other trains the mind.
Sorry
'Terribly sorry, but you've reached an answering machine.'
Bells
What did they award the man who invented the door knocker?
The No-bell Prize.
Wills
What do you call an extremely wealthy old man who has changed his will six times in the last year?
A fresh heir fiend!
Engineers
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply let Marketing explain that 'Dead Bulb' is a benefit.
Dogs
Mum, can I please have a dog for Christmas?
No, you will have turkey like everyone else!
Mummies
What do mummies do at weekends?
They like to unwind.
Golf
John: I hear that you lost your job as a golf caddy.
Paul: Yeah, I could do the work all right, but I just couldn't stop laughing.