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Joke Topic - 'Scottish'
A herd of highland cows is standing in a field in Scotland.
Which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
Which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
A salesman from England was making a sales pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
'And if you stock our new range of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey,' the salesman said.
'Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts,' said the buyer. 'That would be a form of bribery.'
'I'll tell you what,' said the salesman. 'Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey.'
'How much for?'
'Say, a pound for the case.'
'Oh, well,' said the buyer, writing out the purchase order. 'At that price, I'll take five cases.'
'And if you stock our new range of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey,' the salesman said.
'Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts,' said the buyer. 'That would be a form of bribery.'
'I'll tell you what,' said the salesman. 'Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey.'
'How much for?'
'Say, a pound for the case.'
'Oh, well,' said the buyer, writing out the purchase order. 'At that price, I'll take five cases.'
A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. 'What's that over yonder'?' the Scotsman asked of his guide.
'That's a moose, eh,' said the guide.
'Aye!' exclaimed the Scotsman, with a raised eyebrow. 'If that be a moose, I'd be sure to hate to see your rats!'
'That's a moose, eh,' said the guide.
'Aye!' exclaimed the Scotsman, with a raised eyebrow. 'If that be a moose, I'd be sure to hate to see your rats!'
A Scottish gift: 'It's nae mair use to me; ye're welcome to it.'
ABERDEEN TIPS
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Personal address books are an excellent way to use old phone books. Just scribble over the names and addresses of people you don't know.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Personal address books are an excellent way to use old phone books. Just scribble over the names and addresses of people you don't know.
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
'Where are you from, pal?' asked the Scotsman after they'd chatted for a while.
'I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world,' said the Australian.
'Are you?' said the other. 'You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman.'
'Where are you from, pal?' asked the Scotsman after they'd chatted for a while.
'I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world,' said the Australian.
'Are you?' said the other. 'You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman.'
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, 'may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace and harmony.' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.'
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who exclaims, 'may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace and harmony.' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he hands the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.'
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
You'll find, he said, a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.
Not surprisingly, shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
You'll find, he said, a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.
Not surprisingly, shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
Did you hear about the man in Edinburgh who was selling his dog?
An American offered him 500 pounds for it, and an Englishman offered him 50 pounds.
Even though the American had offered more, he decided to sell it to the Englishman because he thought it might be able to walk back to Edinburgh from England, but it could never swim the Atlantic.
An American offered him 500 pounds for it, and an Englishman offered him 50 pounds.
Even though the American had offered more, he decided to sell it to the Englishman because he thought it might be able to walk back to Edinburgh from England, but it could never swim the Atlantic.
Did you hear about the new Scottish football team whose players don't know each other?
They're Did you hear about the new Scottish football team whose players don't know each other?
They're called Glasgow Strangers.
They're Did you hear about the new Scottish football team whose players don't know each other?
They're called Glasgow Strangers.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who was arrested by the police? They charged him with breaking into a five-pound note.
However, they let him go with just a warning as it was his first offense.
However, they let him go with just a warning as it was his first offense.
Did you hear about the Scottish father who had a dilemma? His son wanted a dog, and his daughter wanted a cat. He felt that having a cat and a dog would be too expensive. So he bought a cat and taught it to bark!