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Joke Topic - 'Scottish'

Here are 54 jokes on the topic - 'Scottish'.

Related Topics: Scotsman (18)

A herd of highland cows are standing in a field in Scotland.
Which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

A salesman from England was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
"And if you carry our new line of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey," the salesman said.
"Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts," said the buyer. "That would be a form of bribery."
"I'11 tell you what," said the salesman. "Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey." "How much for?"
"Say, a pound for the case."
"Oh, well," said the buyer, writing out the pur�chase order. "At that price, I'll take two cases."

A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that over yonder'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide.
"That's a moose, eh," said the guide.
"Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!"

A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
�You�ll find,� he said, �a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half�breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.�
�Not surprisingly,� shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. �The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing �10,000 and would give a reward of �100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall Wee Hughie shouted, "I'll give �150!"

Did you hear about the man in Edinburgh who was selling his dog?
An American offered him 500 pounds for it and an Englishman offered him 50 pounds.
Even though the American had offered more, he decided to sell it to the Englishman, because he thought it might be able to walk back to Edinburgh from England, but it could never swim the Atlantic.

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