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Joke Topic - 'Scottish' - 4


This is page 4 of jokes on the topic - 'Scottish'.

Related Topics: Scotsman (18)
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The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"
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There was a Scottish baker who tried to economize by making the holes in his doughnuts bigger. He soon gave it up, though. The bigger the hole was the more dough he had to put round it.
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Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Two robbers broke onto a lodging house in Glasgow. They were discovered and a tremendous fight broke out. Bleeding and covered in bruises they finally managed to escape through a window. Well, we didn't do too badly said one, 'we came out with twenty pounds.' 'Thats true,' said the other, 'but we went in with sixty pounds.'
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Two Scottish characters, Hamish and Jimmy were sitting talking. Hamish pulled out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says Jimmy.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says Hamish.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed".
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Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically." Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
"Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
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Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: �Anything I can get you, Hughie?�
No reply.
�Have you got a last wish, Hughie?�
Faintly, came the answer. . . �a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.�
�Wheesht, man,� said Maggie, �you know fine that�s for the your funeral.�
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Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
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Wee Hughie was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted.
"How much will it cost ?" he asked.
"£50," replied the dentist.
"Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work?" asked Wee Hughie.
"Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
"Look," said Wee Hughie, "here's £5. Just loosen it a little."
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What did the pine tree say to his girlfriend?
I'm fir you.

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