What did the pine tree say to his girlfriend?
I'm fir you.
What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang Syne.
What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A Macaw.
What if you cross a legendary Scottish monster and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness pongster.
What is the best way to get a Scotsman to get up on the roof of his house?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.
What is the definition of a true Scottish gentleman?
A Scotsman who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't.
What is the name of a Scottish cloakroom attendant?
Willie Angus McCoatup.
What is the name of an unhappy mountain range in Scotland?
The Grumpians.
What is very smelly and is spoken mostly in the highlands of Scotland?
Garlic.
When Big Peter Macnab died in Glasgow, his old widow wanted to tell all his friends at the same time, so she went to the newspaper office and said, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband'
The man at the desk says 'OK, so how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies just '5 Pounds' to which the man says 'You won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes a few words and hands it to the clerk, and the man reads 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid, deid'.
The clerk feels raher guilty at the abruptness of the message and encourages the old woman to write a few more words. The old woman thinks for a minute, adds a few more words, and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, 'Peter Macnab, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale.'
Which famous Scottish poet is setting the place on fire?
Robert Burns.
While attending an auction in Glasgow, a rich American announced that he had lost his wallet containing over 10,000 Dollars and offered a reward of 100 Dollars to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall, Wee Hughie shouted, 'I'll give 150 Dollars!'