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Joke Topic - 'Scottish' - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.
Did you hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt? It was Boney Prince Charlie.
Did you hear that yesterday, all the men in Glasgow were standing outside holding an empty whiskey glass?
The weather forecast said there would be a nip in the air.
The weather forecast said there would be a nip in the air.
Doctor: So what is Hamish complaining about now?>
Nurse: He says that he recovered before all his medicine was finished, so he wants a refund on the cost of his prescription.
Nurse: He says that he recovered before all his medicine was finished, so he wants a refund on the cost of his prescription.
Hamish walks into a posh Scottish restaurant, and the waiter says: 'Canape for you, sir?'
Hamish says: 'That's very generous of you. I'll have the lobster.'
Hamish says: 'That's very generous of you. I'll have the lobster.'
How did the little Scottie dog feel when he saw the Loch Ness monster?
Terrier-fied.
Terrier-fied.
In the old days, the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills, and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn, there was a fog (as thick as pea soup), and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. While the two armies were resting, a voice with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen'.
With this, the English general sent down 10 of his best soldiers. There was a hell of a fight, and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
' Anyone Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman'.
The English general sent down 50 of his best soldiers. The same thing happened: a terrible fight ensued, and again, NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman'.
Same same down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman'.
By this time, the English general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general, he said, 'Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM.'
One morning at dawn, there was a fog (as thick as pea soup), and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. While the two armies were resting, a voice with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen'.
With this, the English general sent down 10 of his best soldiers. There was a hell of a fight, and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
' Anyone Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman'.
The English general sent down 50 of his best soldiers. The same thing happened: a terrible fight ensued, and again, NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman'.
Same same down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
'Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman'.
By this time, the English general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general, he said, 'Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM.'
It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course, and the caddy hoped for a generous tip from his wealthy Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, the caddy heard the words he had hoped to hear: 'This is for a hot drink of whisky.' and a sugar cube was placed in his outstretched palm.
It was Hamish's birthday, and he offered his friend, Hector, a really tiny glass of whiskey to celebrate.
'There you are, Hector. That's a 15-year-old malt whiskey.'
'ls it now?' said Hector, looking at the minuscule measure. 'It's very small for its age!'
'There you are, Hector. That's a 15-year-old malt whiskey.'
'ls it now?' said Hector, looking at the minuscule measure. 'It's very small for its age!'
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, 'Sure, I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'
McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
'How do you feel about your big win?' asked a newspaper reporter.
'Disappointed,' said McDougal, 'My other ticket didn't win anything.'
'How do you feel about your big win?' asked a newspaper reporter.
'Disappointed,' said McDougal, 'My other ticket didn't win anything.'
McTavish arrived at the gates of Heaven and demanded that he be admitted.
'Where are you from?' asked St Peter.
'Scotland,' said McTavish proudly.
'Away with you,' said St Peter. 'We couldn't possibly cook haggis for just one!'
'Where are you from?' asked St Peter.
'Scotland,' said McTavish proudly.
'Away with you,' said St Peter. 'We couldn't possibly cook haggis for just one!'