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Joke Topic - 'Scotsmen' - 22 Jokes and Funny Stories To Laugh At
A plane was shot down over Iraq, and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Australian.
Saddam says, 'I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back.' The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there to cover his back. This is granted, and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding, but he survives.
The Englishman says, 'I will take it as it comes; I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars, ' he shouts defiantly, 'Stiff upper lip, you know eh what.' His wish is granted, and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
'Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn; you have the same choice as the other two; what would you like on your back?' says Saddam.
Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, 'I'll have the Englishman.'
5>Saddam says, 'I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back.' The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there to cover his back. This is granted, and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding, but he survives.
The Englishman says, 'I will take it as it comes; I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars, ' he shouts defiantly, 'Stiff upper lip, you know eh what.' His wish is granted, and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
'Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn; you have the same choice as the other two; what would you like on your back?' says Saddam.
Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, 'I'll have the Englishman.'
A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London, and every night, he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: 'Is this your first visit?'
'Aye, it is.'
'You seem to be having a great time.'
'Aye, I am that.'
'Good.'
'And what's more, it's not just a holiday. It's my honeymoon as well.'
'Oh. Then where's your wife?'
'Och. She's been here before.'
3>'Aye, it is.'
'You seem to be having a great time.'
'Aye, I am that.'
'Good.'
'And what's more, it's not just a holiday. It's my honeymoon as well.'
'Oh. Then where's your wife?'
'Och. She's been here before.'
A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, 'Do you have a criminal record?', the Scot replies, 'Well no . . . I didn't realize you still needed one to get in!'
3>A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen, and each morning, he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day, he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally, the Scotsman said, 'In my family, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this, so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he had. He took a few steps back, then ran at the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor, clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
The Englishman eventually got to his feet and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman smiled and said, 'Ye can keep the damn egg!!'
5>One day, he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally, the Scotsman said, 'In my family, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this, so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he had. He took a few steps back, then ran at the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor, clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
The Englishman eventually got to his feet and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman smiled and said, 'Ye can keep the damn egg!!'
A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend, so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was that she was so beautiful that he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
2>A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman had dinner together. When the waiter came with the bill, the Scotsman promptly said he would take it.
The next day, the newspaper carried a headline: 'English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant.'
3>The next day, the newspaper carried a headline: 'English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant.'
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went out for a night on the town. The Englishman spent 30 pounds, the Irishman spent 20 pounds, and the Scotsman spent a very enjoyable evening.
2>Did you hear about the Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman who went into a bar? First, the Englishman stood a round of drinks, then the Irishman stood a round of drinks, and finally the Scotsman just stood around.
3>Did you hear about the Scotsman who gave a waiter a tip?
The horse lost.
1>The horse lost.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who invited a young woman back to his room to see his etchings?
He sold her three of them.
2>He sold her three of them.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who went on a week's holiday to England? He took a clean shirt and a five-pound note with him. When he arrived home, he hadn't changed either of them.
2>Hamish was building a garden shed and realized he needed to buy more nails, so he went to the hardware store.
'How long do you want them?' asked the storekeeper.
'Oh, I need to keep them,' replied Hamish.
3>'How long do you want them?' asked the storekeeper.
'Oh, I need to keep them,' replied Hamish.